This post is meant to answer the question: how long should you be engaged before marriage?
To set the record straight, the word should is nowhere near the top of my favorites list. When saying the word “should,” usually we are looking externally for answers to personal questions, almost seeking validation.
Think about it… Where should I go to school? or , Why should I wake up early? Are both examples of questions I’ve asked myself in the past where I was trying to find out what the world has to say about these things.
You are the boss of your own life, so stop “should-ing” yourself! You SHOULD stop! Haha
Rather than answering how long should you be engaged before marriage?, I am going to answer what are factors to consider when you are deciding how long to be engaged?. 🙂
As a little bonus, you will find 5 ways to stop comparing your engagement timeline to others’. Comparison is the thief of joy, FOR SURE, and these types of decisions are meant to be the happiest of your life!
Factors to consider when deciding how long to be engaged:
When you want to get married
Are you dreaming of a spring wedding? Are you hoping to save money on your big day by waiting until winter? Ask yourself some questions about your ideal timing.
How long you will be engaged for will depend largely on when your wedding is planned for. If you get engaged in December and want a spring wedding, you can have a wedding in a few months, a year and a few months, or a few years and a few months!
The timing of your wedding is more important to some people than others. If this is very important to you, consider discussing this with your fiance, or soon to be fiance!
How well you know your fiance already
You may be looking to get engaged to someone you’ve known for years or maybe months. The length of time you’ve known someone, and the depth of your relationship during that time, will impact how well you REALLY know them.
There is a cliche quote that says date someone for four seasons and a road trip before getting engaged. While this is not a rule that I believe needs to be followed, there is an interesting concept to consider: date or be engaged to someone for enough time to really know who you are committing to.
In full disclosure, you WILL NOT know anyone perfectly, no matter how long you’ve been acquainted. Don’t put off making decisions until you feel you have reached that point… it’ll never happen lol. Rather, find a happy place where you’ve seen enough of their character to feel confident moving forward.
You may feel comfortable getting engaged and continuing to get to know your person, or you may want to date longer before getting engaged. Neither is better or worse than the other. You just have to determine what you feel you prefer!
Wedding planning stress
News flash, wedding planning is stressful. Shocker, I know haha!
With that groundbreaking information in mind, think about how you do under pressure? Do you like to get things done and out of the way? Are you a procrastinator? How are you as a ball of stress?
Most of your engagement will be filled with wedding planning activities. Some of these are more stressful than others! With shorter engagements, you’ll have less time to plan and events will be closer together. With longer engagements, you will be stressed for a longer period of time, but perhaps with less time-related pressure.
When deciding how long you want to be engaged before marriage, you will want to consider the stress of planning a wedding. The way this factors into your decision will be unique to you.
Post-wedding logistics
Hmm.. why would this be something to consider? Wow, I’m so glad you asked. When you are asking how long you will be engaged before marriage, you’ll want to think about what will happen after your engagement is over.
For example: are you moving right after the wedding? Where is your honeymoon? Are there other family events occurring that you don’t want to miss?
To give you optimal success in the months following your wedding, consider them as you decide when to get engaged and married. You may not love feeling even more stressed after your wedding than you did before.
Imagine you know that you have a new job that will require you to move cross country in the next year. You know or are pretty dang sure you know that you are planning to marry your current boy/girlfriend and want them to come along with you. You may want to plan your timeline so that your wedding will not back right up to that moving date, rather give yourself a month or two buffer just to ease up on the stressful changes. With that in mind, determine when would be a good time to get engaged!
What you really want
I couldn’t help but think of the scene in The Notebook where Noah is just asking repeatedly, “What do you want?!” so.. Insert meme here haha
But really, what do you want? REALLY want? This isn’t a question about what your mom wants. This isn’t asking what society wants. It’s all about YOU (and your fiance)! Keep that in mind above all else.
A lot of people like to share their opinions and will express them openly, even trying to tell you want to do. You are the only one who really knows what you want, especially how long you want to be engaged!
This whole thing isn’t a science. No magic formula will tell you the perfect time to get engaged and married to make your future wedding and marriage perfect. Forget about it… Sorry! The more you remember that life isn’t perfect, and then make decisions based on what you want and feel is right for your life, the happier you will be!
5 ways to stop comparing your engagement timeline to others’
- Be confident in your decision
You have made a choice about how long to be engaged, and what all will occur during that engagement. AMAZING!! Now square your shoulders, pat yourself on the back, and feel confident moving forward.Don’t let yourself or anyone else make you feel insecure about your decision.
- Understand your “why”
I’m sure you used the factors listed above to help make your decision about how long you will be engaged before marriage! Even if you didn’t, knowing why you are doing what you are doing gives you power and security! Own your why!
- Stop looking around!
It’s kind of hard to compare our situation to others when we don’t have anything else to look at. When you focus on your own story and stop looking at others, you’ll find less to even compare yours to! Consider limiting the use of social media for this reason… I deleted mine for a whole year and it changed my life. No joke.
- Be mindful
If you haven’t tried meditation and mindfulness practices, you may be missing out on a great tool for success in your life. There is power in being present, quiet, and still. You will feel more grounded and less likely to look for external validation. Joy can be found in the present story you are writing. Try it out!
- Journal
If you are feeling stressed or unsure of yourself, write it down! Write down what is going through your mind, and record why you made the decision that you did. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, but journaling can be very therapeutic, especially when you are tempted to compare your decisions to those of others around you.
How long should you be engaged before marriage? You choose! Statistics may tell you what the averages are, and you’ll find lots of opinions. The better way to decide on this is to ask questions about your personal life and make your decision accordingly!
Best of luck as you begin making your decisions and have fun!