Just to be clear, this is advice I am giving from my limited experience as a newly married person myself. I have also tried to gather tips given by more veteran married couples. Grateful for those!
These are all definitely easier said than done, I know. Been there. But they are definitely possible and worth trying to do. When I focus energy in these areas, newlywed life seems a little bit easier!
Be adventurous
Your relationship will definitely benefit from going new places and trying new things. Nothing better to help a dip in emotions because the wedding excitement is over. Don’t let life get boring on you.
Get creative too! You may be trying to save money. That’s cool! Have an adventure near your home. I’m sure there is plenty of nature within an hour of you that you can camp in. There is definitely a place where you can have a picnic!
Having adventures together will help you to begin writing your new chapter in life. Planning for and actually having adventures brings excitement and joy. You also have the perfect partner to join you!
Manage expectations
Let’s be honest. Marriage may not turn out exactly as you expected! You may feel differently than you’d always imagined, and your partner is not that perfect person you always thought you’d find (and who you were dating and engaged to for so long).
If you constantly are looking for things that are wrong and disappointing, you will find them. Especially when you are looking at your partner.
The best way to keep spirits high and to adjust as you navigate your new marriage is to manage expectations.
Expectations of your partner should be analyzed and discussed. Determine what your expectations are of them. Do you expect more attention, cleanliness, or even space from them? After you have figured out what your expectations are of them, determine if those are reasonable.
The key is to then discuss with them and come to a happy place for you both. Realize that they are still imperfect, and accept their efforts as they try.
Expectations of yourself should also be analysed and adjusted. Do you expect yourself to be more happy, kind, or calm? Adjust your expectations to be realistic and then move forward to work towards where you want to be,
Finally manage your expectations of your situation. Maybe you aren’t in the perfect jobs, house, or financial situation that you had expected when you dreamed of the newlywed phase. Figure out what it is about your current situation that is bothering you, chat about it, and come to a more realistic place in your heart and mind while working to where you both want to be.
Keep dating each other
Just because you said “I do” does not mean the chase is over. The worst thing to do after getting married is to get complacent.
Humans evolve throughout their lives. Change is the only consistent thing in life! Because of this, keep the romance there by dating and really pursuing each other!
Yeah you dated and were engaged quite a while, but that does not mean you know everything there is to know about each other. In fact, there is so much to learn about someone that is new during this newlywed phase. These are even characteristics that your spouse may not have even known about themselves before marriage!
Keep the spark there, keep dating each other! Plan fun activities to do together, and go out on the town! Dress up, wear some cologne or perfume, and get ready to give some gushy compliments. It’s worth it.
Understand the art of compromise
My way or the highway doesn’t super work during marriage. Crazy, I know! But seriously. Being able to get to a happy medium is very important in a marriage. Doing so without any sort of resentment is equally important.
You like the silverware facing down in the dishwasher and your spouse likes them facing up. Ok, so how about whoever takes the time to load the dishwasher gets to load however they wish? That way you are feeling grateful for their effort in helping in the cleaning, and they are glad they can do it how they want without being criticized.
Being able to find creative solutions and implement them requires effort and takes time to master. These small ways of finding a middle ground will provide harmony for you both.
Focus on how you make up rather than how you fight
Every relationship has conflict. Being able to express yourself and how you feel is crucial in any relationship. Marriage is no exception!
As you get used to a new environment and relationship you’ll have a lot to navigate. Strong emotions and opinions are tricky to share at times. Finances, work, priorities, all these new areas to balance together can add pressure, or as I like to call it: fuel to the fire.
Just because you may argue or disagree doesn’t mean your relationship is unhealthy or doomed to fail. If you are having these thoughts or feelings, tell yourself to stop.
The more important factor in your marriage is how you resolve conflict rather than how you have it. When you focus on apologizing and listening to each other after a fight, things will get better.
Communicate with good timing
Ok, so you’re told to communicate openly. Yes! Talk to each other, and learn to listen well. This will help you both as you get to know each other on a much deeper level.
Just be sure to keep your timing in mind when you choose to communicate. As an example, you know that when you just get done with a long work day it’s harder to find the patience to listen to a piece of constructive criticism.
As you get to know each other better, you’ll find times of day that are harder and easier for each other. Try to have conversations in those windows of time. Avoid intense conversations when either of you are lonely, angry, hungry, tired, or overwhelmed.
Be sensitive to each other!
Focus on progression not perfection
Yeah I totally get it, perfectionistic mentailities. I am fully versed. But wow, that’s a lot of pressure! How the heck is your marriage going to be perfect if you don’t know how to marriage?!
When you try to make your marriage perfect, including making it look perfect, you will totally wear yourself out. In reality there is no such thing as perfect ANYTHING, so why would your marriage be the exception?
Progress is such a rewarding aspect of life, so put your attention there! Look for little areas of improvement, celebrate the small wins together. As you put in effort in specific areas you want to work on, and track your progress towards your goals. You’ll be a lot happier with this as your focus.
Be generous with love
I will be keeping this G-rated, but I think you know what I mean by this. Not only should you be generous with intimate moments, but also be generous in all different ways of expressing love.
Having an abundance mindset surrounding giving love to one another will serve you well. Be creative and have fun together! Take the pressure off of giving acts of love and just do it. My favorite thing my husband does is turn off all the lights in the house at night for us while I am safe in bed (bc I am totally scared of the dark, guilty).
Dream together
Dream big, this is one of the funnest parts of early marriage. You finally have your person that you build your life with, so dream it up together!
Where do you want to live, and in what kind of home? How many children do you want and what sports will they play? Where would you like to travel to? Dream jobs?
Chatting about the answers to these questions together can be super exciting. Just be sure that as you dream together you take note of the things you are grateful for in the here and now.
Lean on one another
You may feel like you need to constantly be on your game, that you need to be strong for your spouse. We can’t be strong all the time. The best person to depend on is your spouse.
Trusting each other and bearing burdens together will strengthen your bond! Nobody should have your best interest at heart better than your spouse.
Hard times will come, or maybe you are going through the thick of it now. Better to practice leaning on each other in the beginning so that you are experienced with it when you need your spouse the most.
Keep learning and developing individually
You are your own person, even after you get married. Taking time to learn and develop on your own will add so much to your marriage. Hobbies and interests that are all yours will keep you busy and active.
Being different from each other in marriage is a huge blessing. This adds diversity and keeps perspectives fresh. You will live fulfilling lives alongside one another.
As you have independent interests, stay connected. Keep each other involved and informed as you make decisions and work on projects. Doing so will help create more unity for you both!
Listen to each other
Seems pretty obvious huh? Listening can be tougher than you expected. You may be distracted, you may disagree with what you are hearing, there are lots of reasons for struggling to hear what your partner is saying.
Active listening is one of the most loving gifts you can give your spouse. Ask questions that help them to tell their whole story. Listen to the words they say and don’t say (read between the lines, yeah?).
One super great way to take your listening strategy to the next level is to repeat exactly what they say, but in question form. Like this: “I just feel really sad when you eat my cereal without asking me first!”,”oh, so you’re saying that you feel sad when I eat your cereal before asking you?”, “Yeah, I don’t mind if you eat it, but I just want you to ask first so I don’t expect there to be more left when it’s actually gone.”
Often using this strategy will lead to increased sharing and understanding between you two, that’s always a plus! Listen and respond. Try to really understand. Then repeat!
Control what you can control
The temptation is SO REAL to try to control everything. Come on, it’s freaky when things are out of your control, right? But there are definitely things in life that we can’t have that full grip on.
Let it go, (yes, cue Frozen soundtrack). Just let things that you can’t control go, that nobody can control. Worldwide pandemics, hormonal changes, other people’s decisions… If you find yourself getting stressed about these types of things, loosen that grip.
In marriage, there are also things you can’t control. Those are especially important to let go of. You’ll find much more joy and lower stress levels as you do this!
Be Kind
This was one of the first and most memorable pieces of advice I received when preparing to be married to Stone. It seems so simple. Kindness. But wow is it a toughy!
You will have days when you are cranky, when you are just feeling like everything your person does is annoying. Be kind anyways.
When you feel yourself getting frustrated and upset, choose kindness. Using kind words improves the trust and emotional safety in your relationship. Let’s be honest, it just makes us happy when people are kind to us.
Do the hard thing (or the easy thing, depending on how you look at it) and be kind.
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